We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
