one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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