can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
