Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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