She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
