I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
