My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
