I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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