Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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