If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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