you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
