that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
