my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
