i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
