i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
