This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
