He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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