Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
