Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
