You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
