I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
