I wish I could punch you in the face.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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