I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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