legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
