My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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