***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
the condom got lost in my hair
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
