im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
