Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
did i walk over a car last night?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
