shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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