I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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