You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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