u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
