I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
