Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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