everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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