shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
