You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
