I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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