she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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