There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
