I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
