i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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