What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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