Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
