I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
