I want to have your abortion
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
