And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
