Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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