My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
