Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
