dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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