My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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