either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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