he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
ok first of all what the fuck
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
